Making Friends is Easy
How to make friends and keep them, too!
As a full blown adult (in my 30s and now 40s) I found it easier than ever to make friends. 99% of my friends are not people I met in high school and 95% are not people I met during college.
2 important notes:
It wasn’t until I was fully out and comfortable with myself that I was able to ease into friendships
Treating my depression also helped
In high school my most valued friends, the friends that saved me from all-out darkness, were found via AOL chat rooms. They lived in Florida, California, Illinois, Nebraska, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, etc. I have no idea where they are now. Except for Amman. When we were 17 I convinced him to attend Mass College of Art. We met IRL for the first time on the first day of school and were basically inseparable.
I met so many wonderful, kind, and caring people after the age 24 (the age I finally graduated college) when I moved to NYC. Although I always felt something was missing with those relationships. I was struggling with depression in part because I was repressing my identity. After “coming out” I was able to be a better friend to my “straight friends” as I lovingly refer to them. The missing link to our connection was me, I didn’t know myself.
Let’s skip ahead to my mid-30s to where life really kicked off.
Now I’m Gay. How I Met Friends at Ages 34-39
Early on I was straddling two worlds. The straight world, with all my straight friends and then this new queer world in which I was essentially an outsider. Queers around my age had been around the block, a bit jaded. I was fresh faced and wanted to go out to parties, meet people, and DO THINGS. I struggled drumming up interest with my established gay and coupled straight friends to attend L Word Trivia or getting wild at The Woods with me.
I set out on my own. It was uncomfortable at times to sit at a sticky table at Tandem (RIP) in Bushwick either by myself, with an ex or saddling up to people I barely knew to play L Word Trivia but it had to be done. I begged my internet friend Chelsea (we met in the blog days) to some of the first L Word Trivia’s created and hosted by Lily Marotta and Minnie Bennett. Our team name: My Lover Cindy
Be open to various types of friendships. Not everyone needs to be a life long bestie. I found deep joy bumping into certain new friends out and about, we’d have our moments together - dancing, laughing etc - but maybe never actually hang out solo together. And that was cool, part of our magic! I had friend who we never hung out 1 on 1 but loved each other so much we celebrated our birthdays with epic parties at outdoor gay bars in early May. (HBD Jo!)
I was also super lucky to have found friends who helped me during my lowest times –be it a breakup or illness. I never felt more alone than being sick while also single and living alone. Friends I met via L Word Trivia dropped everything to come by with food, medicine and support. Liz drove up in their pickup truck with canned soups for me, later Beau showed up to be a friend during an ugly breakup. I will never forget how good to felt to have them take care of me, both physically and emotionally.
It must be said: during this time I was dating non-stop, sometimes 4 different dates a week. I had all this pent up energy and experience to live. It was a whirlwind. I was on Tinder big time. Tinder (I hate to say it) turned out to be helpful making queer friends, so long as you can roll from date to non-date with ease and not take anything too personally if it’s not a romantic connection. A lot of people I met were going thru something similar, recently out, finding themselves, and wanting to hang out.
8 Tips for Making Friends (as an adult)
Find something you like to do and keep showing up and stay late (sometimes) ie: if it’s a running club go out for post run iced coffees or beers. Bond.
Be open to invites. If someone invites you out or in – go and share the experience with them.
You don’t need to be a gregarious, outgoing person. I am quiet and I am warm.
Keep showing up to the same parties, places, events – you will start to see the same people over and over again and it gets easier to strike up a convo and bond
If you meet someone and bonding ask for a way to stay in touch – mobile, Lex handle, TikTok, email, mailing address
Then get in touch and invite them out – for a walk, a drink, a show. Then, stay in touch. Even text once a month.
Not everyone needs to be a BFF! Have a coterie of people in your life. Collect and curate. Some people you’ll grow closer to and some you will not. It’s all okay
All ages – do not limit yourself to people of your generation. Find friends who are both younger and older.
I’m 44 with a partner, a dog and live in the country. I am still attracting new friends. There is solace in knowing that no matter where your life takes you there are ways to make connections. Tomorrow I’m going over to our neighbors for a dessert and a drink, I’ll also be returning their wheelbarrow I borrowed.
I have more to say on this subject. I’ll continue to write on it. Especially since Lex is here to make connecting with new friends easy and I founded Lex. 💚
How do you make friends? 🐶
Afterward: There were countless times in my 20s I was sad, lonely and envious of young people enjoying life together in large groups. Passing them in restaurants, in the park, on the street in their gaggles. I was sad and lonely - period. Being human is very isolating at times and I understand those feelings, too. Treating my depression helped immensely – both making friends and keeping them. Another tip: Don’t listen to Elliott Smith if you’re in your early 20s.
I acknowledge there must be typos. I’m not a copyeditor and tend to be messy.