Boo
I’ve always identified with ghosts. They are there, they are not there. They exist or maybe they don’t exist. They are mostly non-threatening. Ghosts are living their best life (???) in quiet solo atmospheric space. What I also like – they have a bit of spice (are scary) but also can’t hurt you (ultimately harmless).
I’m in this quandary, living a half life. I want to communicate, relate, and feel connected with people (readers, lurkers, supporters) while fighting off the feeling of humiliation and shame. This newsletter has been a huge step for me in terms of sharing what is going on inside my head.
The work I’ve created in the past (from herstory to new friends to lex) has never been about me directly, always indirectly. Why now am I pushing myself so hard and so uncomfortable into this other direction that is similar to center stage?
To be seen or to be unseen
One: I’m working on myself. Whatever that means. I’m in the process of figuring out what the direction of my work-life is. I need to make money, how will I make money? Don’t laugh but I think it would be really fun to be a creator/influencer. Talking, doing, traveling and saying all the things that come naturally to your life all while making money!
I want to be seen, I don’t want to be seen - I haven’t decided yet.
Alongside this newsletter I’m on a quest to make more TikTok content.
I spent an evening with Anita who taught me her methods of production and editing. (Neetie’s TikTok is blowing up: she covers brand trends, culture, business). She sent me tips and tricks, which brought me into a hole of planning out all my content.
I spent a few hours researching and $45 on this creator bundle (which is actually so cool and appeals to my Notion obsession) but ultimately a stall tactic. I spent 0 hours making the videos.
I spent a couple hours last night trying to make a video on my sleepy time ritual, then gave up. I instead made this video in 60 seconds. It felt more me. I left it up for an hour then made it private. I keep going back and forth, to be seen or to not be seen.
I woke up this morning to write this newsletter and made it visible to all – for your viewing pleasure and for the story.
There’s more to dig into regarding my affinity to ghosts. There’s the freeze trauma response, there’s the thing where half my teeth are fake and it literally makes it hard to speak at times, there’s the thing called shame – the beast of it all.
In the meantime I’ll be collecting ideas, writing scripts, setting up my Alix Earle light and trying out this TikTok creator thing. There is a place for me in this world – I just need to figure how how to set myself up in a solid and peaceful and passionate space.
If you want to follow me while I’m in 200 view jail, here I am: @kelrakowski