3 Beds in 4 Nights
Gay at 34 and being very single in the city
When I came out in my mid-30s I believed (and found comfort) in the lesbian troupe that one first date quickly progresses into a full-blown relationship. I imagined that scoring a girlfriend would be an effortless and painless affair. I vowed to my friends and my therapist that I was seeking a stable, mature, boring, healthy relationship – in reality – I wanted none of it. The first 4 years of my out-lesbian life raged with drama and thrills. Although it was pure pain at times I am fortunate to have this distinct NYC dating experience, during the height of Tinder.
Embrace the chaos. It’s what I needed to do at this particular moment of life. I was 34, pent up with sexual tension and unrealized turmoil. My boyfriend of 7 years and I had an open relationship so I could work out ‘my girl problem’ as I called it. It had been years and I didn’t really meet anyone until I did. In true #dykedrama fashion – literally the day after having sex with this ‘girl’ – I broke up with my boyfriend.
This post is inspired by the TikToks powerpoint presentations recapping the 2023 year of lesbian dating. I’m seeing an average of about ~12 first dates a year. I’d like to toss my cap in the ring. At times, I averaged 12 first dates per month. To spare myself stress I put together a first date uniform: grey vintage sweatshirt, black jeans, sneakers or boots.
And now to spice it up 🌶
I’m sharing some sample sentences from my 2014-2016 journals.
Names have been changed.
In a moment of weakness last week I turned my Tinder to 26 and up for about 15 minutes.
Texted a bit Monday night. Like, she texted me a Baudelaire poem.
Last night was another whatever date with Elena. Not my style of person. I knew this but trying to be open minded. She wore a loose scarf.
That was fast. Four days later Caroline broke up with me.
The next morning I made us coffee. New coffee pot. She left to feed her bunny.
Lola left me for the Ecology girl. Talk-cried for 5 hours
I bought a purple candle for protection
Settling into my life. Requires red wine sprintzers and tv. Numbing. It requires numbing. And no tears. I haven’t cried in awhile and that feels so good.
I walk into the venue carrying my giant tray of rainbow jello.
It went well. I didn’t like her sneakers. Nice deep voice and face. Solid face.
I’m talking to a British butch. She’s in town from London and ‘fancies a few dates’. She’s a photog and after some clues and googling - I found her name
It’s the day after the 1:23am phone call about her needing “to be alone, work on self”. 2pm I’m at studio. Lucy texts: it’s a great day to kick a soccer ball and asks if she can come by. She brings cookies
Still talking to the Italian. It’s been a month since we met. Next step, Milan.
Turns out she’s in an (unhealthy) open relationship. Lied to GF we were on a date. Beyond this, it was a dream date. She promised me we would hang again, she had to figure things out. The next day she texts: “had a dramatic end to the night, can’t see you again”
I finally met up with the 26 year old I’ve been texting for a month. We made out within 2 min of meeting. Went to her roof, had sex on rooftop while a party was happening below. Totally naked and lying on this turf stuff. I have turf burn.
Last Thursday I went on a date with a 36 year old filmmaker.
I invited 24 over to cook me fried chicken. She’s from the south and a good cook. We made a great dinner together. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, black eye peas, cole slaw. We watched Les Blank doc on 1978 New Orleans.
I slept in 3 girls beds in 4 nights. That’s my life now.
I’ve been seeing this butch mommy. Butch w baby. Handsome wasp face. Plaids. She watches The Kardashians and reads Eileen Myles
Listening to End of the Road on repeat
What I tried my best to remember while dating – it’s never about you.
People (especially on apps) are often messy, emotionally unavailable, going thru something, getting over something/someone. Speaking as one of those messy people going thru something – it’s okay. As long as you’re being respectful and kind and learning about yourself and reflecting on actions – you will come out the other side with wild stories with a stronger sense of self.
Be single, be free. Embrace life. Also: keep journals.